| heavy heart on a rainy day |
[Nov. 25th, 2008|07:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Morning Jacket | ] |
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Pablo Neruda
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
Ahh. I'm sitting here tonight watching the travel channel, listening to the rain pound on the tin roof and for the first time in a while I feel pretty content. It could just be due to the exhaustion that is slowly setting into my bones but whatever the reason, it's a much welcome feeling. After tonight the next two days will be filled with intense studying....but this is the last week of classes and I can be grateful for that. There are a lot of people I've been blowing off again lately and I hope that with the end of classes I will make the time to remedy that.
I think I'll turn the tv off, put in some Elliott Smith, smoke a cigarette out the window and let the rain sing me to sleep. |
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| going crazy |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|10:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
I.NEED.SEX. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|09:35 am] |
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I sewed my lips shut. Maybe next time I'll be able to cover my eyes long enough to pretend nothing has changed so I can smile with you...I hope so, but I don't know if these stitches will allow it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2008|12:12 am] |
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I'm waiting for you to come to bed and I can't remember the last time that I got this wasted. It was entirely intention and probably for the best...but now I sit here waiting for you to come to bed. This bed has seen blood, sweat and smoke from times that seem so far away now....times that maybe only existed in my head. As fucked up as it all is and as painful as it will be, I'll be honest...I need you here next to me tonight. |
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| We kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeve |
[Apr. 9th, 2008|01:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Modest Mouse- Dramamine | ] |
So, I have my shit together a little better today. I don't really know what that means except for the fact that I was actually able to get some sleep last night (thank you valium).
I have a lot of homework that I need to catch up on. I'm using today and tomorrow to finish catching up on it. I know I've been pretty reclusive these past couple of weeks but it's just what I seem to need right now.
As for you. I want to see you, I felt the pull of your energy all last night. I know I should be looking forward and not back but I don't feel like I am because you are everywhere. You are right when you say that maybe nothing is accidental. I still see the signs that brought us together. You say that we need to listen to these signs in our lives as well as to trust our own intuition. And it eats at me inside knowing that I'm not "allowed" to follow my intuition, these signs. I wish I could just plug my ears, cover my eyes, and sew my lips shut. But I can't. And I don't know what to do with it all. |
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| there are no words to describe |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|11:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
I'm sitting here trying to type everything that I've experienced since last night, wishing I could type the few positive aspects that came of it all but finding myself incapable of feeling anything but absolute and complete loss. I haven't slept for two days and only tears, not rest, seem to be willing to creep into these eyes. This pain is too much for me to bear tonight and I'm scared to be alone. This is all I can manage to write for tonight....now I'm left with your voice echoing through my mind telling me, "I was just playing along. I'm not sure I was ever really in love with you." I'm trying so hard to be strong but my strength is failing me tonight. |
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| You get what you give |
[Apr. 4th, 2008|03:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
My faith in energy and the justness of the Universe and it's karmic ways have been tested through the past 9 months. Especially lately. But through these tests my faith has only grown stronger. I believe the light in this world is much stronger than the dark...it's just simply harder to find....especially if you don't want to recognize that it's all around you, and in all of us.
I think I've been cashing in on the good karma that I've accumulated over the years. So many incredible people and things have been coming into my life all at once now that I'm not held back by anything or anyone. Even today, I got a check in the mail for $1000 from USM for no apparent reason...I even called to make sure they didn't make a mistake and it's mine.
I wish I could write more right now but I've got to go to work. My stomach is a little tied into knots right now because I know I'll be asked a million times how my trip was. I'll probably just lie and tell them that it was wonderful.....but now that I'm seeing a little more clearly...maybe in some mysterious way, it really was. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|11:36 pm] |
p.s.
maggie--you just made my fucking night. seriously. <3 |
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| Tattoos like mile markers map the distance she has come....winning some, losing some |
[Apr. 3rd, 2008|11:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ani DiFranco- Jukebox | ] |
I felt good today for the first time in a long time. Good like I can do anything that I want to. When I want to. I don't know if I've ever felt like that before. I just feel free.
People who I've been neglecting in the last year or so have been finding their way back into my life recently. Artists, activists, thinkers, feelers, lovers. Good, good people....not to say that the regulars aren't amazing people ;-)
There's a girl in a couple of my classes that asked me out today. I really didn't know she was a lesbian...I felt some strong energy coming from her for a while though...I actually considered the possibility that she was aware of it herself because it was so strong. I guess I just brushed her flirting off as being friendly...it's always harder to tell with femmes though...and I tend to be kind of oblivious about those things. But it was a much welcome ego-boost if nothing else :-)
I picked up a bunch of new cameras in flea markets in Georgia and I want to start doing the Suicide Girls thing like I started a while ago. I just need an outlet in general. And lately I've been feeling inspired to create. I'm either left to create or destroy. And I'm tired of destruction, I've seen too much of it in my short years. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2008|07:56 pm] |
Well, I was right. It was much, much more of an adventure than even I had anticipated. She cheated on me more times than I'd like to think about. With a guy. A guy she had me hang out with and drink with...and who she was going to have me stay with. A guy she's know for a few weeks. And a guy she says she's fallen in love with.
I wish I had the heart to post more. I'm tired and I'm sore and I'm confused. The only people I love or care about are in Maine but I can't bring myself to want to go back. I really don't know what I'm going to do...or if I'm going to be able to stay there. I think I need to get away...I have a lot of things that I need to figure out for myself. And a lot of things I need to figure out ABOUT myself. |
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| such beauty in words |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|03:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NIN | ] |
In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.
Late at night, I call my long-
distance lover and proudly say:
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.
When she doesn't respond, I know
she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
-Jeffery McDaniel |
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| the world is a vampire |
[Nov. 2nd, 2007|02:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the smashing pumpkins | ] |
You never really know the kind of secrets everyone carries around with them. She had never told anyone before. And she was scared. She almost disappeared from my life in order to keep her secret. She told me I'd run away from her. But I didn't. And I love her even more for it.
She has the same birthday as you Tassia--11.11--I hope that you have a good one and you spend it with friends. I've been thinking about you a lot lately; really missing you. I miss slurping jello shots from Tupperware, cuddling in bed while you read to me, building mermaids in the sand, taking pictures just so I can try to capture the kind of beauty I see in you....I miss being told that where I am is not where I WILL be, that it's okay to FEEL...even when it doesn't feel good, I just miss you and I wanted you to know because we haven't gotten a chance to talk in so long. I love you so incredibly much and I'm proud of you baby. Please call soon... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2007|12:12 pm] |
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another year older. just keep feeding me alcohol so i don't have to stop and think about everyone who's not here. |
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| i don't even know what this is |
[Jul. 12th, 2007|01:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
Oh man. I had a crazy-ass night tonight. I had to call two 18-year-old's moms to explain that they weren't coming home because they were too drunk. Luckily the first mom said she wasn't mad at me and that she respected me for calling her but the other mom pryed the address of our secretive location out of me because her daughter wouldn't tell her soooo she came to pick her up...GOOD TIMES! Now that that's out of my system, it really wasn't terrible, it's not like I didn't have a million moments like that with my mom when I was in high school....I just think that I handled them a little more...um...what's the word?...independently?
Buuut I did get to hang out with a really cool girl tonight who I might be mildly crushing on right now. She just moved back to Maine from Thailand...how amazing is that? I'm not looking to jump into anything though, I'm not sure of what I want (which seems to be the story of my life). More and more I'm feeling like I'm finally stable enough to have a relationship with someone...a healthy one :-) Not to minimize all of the relationships that I've had...I've definitely learned and grown so, so, so much from them and I wouldn't take any of them back....but I'm just starting to feel like I can handle having something real and meaningful with the right person. I've been kind of uninterested in sex lately, I mean, not that I don't want it...I just want to have sex with someone who's there to cuddle with in the morning and who is just as concerned with what goes on in my head as with what's going on in my pants.
*disclaimer* I wrote this whilst zinging balls on addies so don't judge kids |
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| i loved her more when she was sober and i was kinder |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|09:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Modest Mouse-Bankrupt on Selling | ] |
I tripped on acid with Dan last night...it was amazing. amazing.
I'm leaving for Georgia this weekend....I don't know what to expect. I haven't seen my dad in years...4? We don't know one another and I'm not entirely sure I want to make the sort of emotional investment it'd take to get to know one another.
Ohhh, how tired I am of meaningless sex...vacant friendships...hollow highs....psuedo-intellectualism...
I want someone to make me FEEL something. |
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| imgoingoutsleepwalkingwheremutememoriesstarttalking |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|08:45 pm] |
It's been forever since I've written in this thing again...but all of the cool kids are doing it so what the hell.
Moving again tomorrow. I'm sick and stressed and it's time to take my finals so what better time to move? I'm just happy that I'll be back in Portland.
I need to chill the fuck out and give my body and my mind some time to rest...I've been so manic lately. I need to start feeding my brain. Reading, meditating, making art, volunteering. Oh yeah. And stop being a bum and get a job. Can't forget that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|10:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Paula Cole- Feelin' Love | ] |
Well, I didn't do all that much today. Woke up to realize the power had gone off in the middle of the night but luckily I woke up in time to get to class. After that I went back to bed for a bit and woke up again to table for the campaign with Andrea. I love Thursdays, having one class feels very, very nice.
I made Mal her cd's today and gave them to her. As I was making them I realized that I could have probably more easily given her about ten cd's with music that I like. But I figured that might be a little overwhelming so I took some of my favorite songs and then some songs that reminded me of her or I felt she could relate to by artists that I'm really into. "Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil" is what I titled them. One is a pretty mellow, folkie type cd. One is a rock-ier, punk-ier, more alternative cd and the last is bascially a big fat dyke cd. I have no idea why I just wrote so much about that...kind of pointless really.
Tomorrow I've got to go to math and the gym..and also a 9am campaign meeting and a 3pm work meeting. This was a pretty boring post..but no one even knows that I write in this so I suppose it doesn't matter. |
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| Patience Is A Virtue |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|06:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Modest Mouse- Might | ] |
I just read my last entry and it makes me hate myself. I'm perfectly content with my life right now and it made me sick to my stomach that I was thinking about cutting, I'm disappointed in myself. Well, maybe I'm not perfectly content with my life right now...but nothing is perfect and I should be thankful for the people in my life right now. I am thankful. And I'm grateful.
I just got back from hanging out with Mal. It was a lot of fun, I enjoy hearing what she has to say about a lot of issues. She certainly has a very openmind and knows what she believes...or at the least, is able to admit that she is struggling through certain issues and hasn't reached a definitive answer. I think it's so incredibly hot to see someone speak about their beliefs as passionately as she does...not to mention the intense beauty she possesses which definitely has a lot to do with everything I just mentioned..but I shouldn't talk about that because that's not what she wants and I need to respect that. I can't help but hope that one day she'll decide otherwise but it's not my place to ask that of her. If something is meant to happen between us then that will be left up to her...and the Universe to decide. |
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